Does this sound familiar classmates?
“We need to talk,” Kayla said
“What are you going to complain about this time?” Michael said with a loud sigh.
“I just need to tell you I hate the way you always spend all your time with your friends. You don’t spend any time with me.”
“Didn’t I spend the whole day watching TV with you the other day?”he asked raising his voice.
“Yes but we should go out some time. You think I want to spend the whole day watching football all day with you?” Kayla shouted. “You never understand me. You always see things one way!”
“You don’t appreciate shit!” Michael picks up the remote and turns the TV volume as loud as it will go.
“Fuck you asshole! That’s why you I hate you. You don’t make enough money to support us. That’s why we can’t even go out to a nice dinner. You aint shit! And will never be!” Kayla cries out.
Have you ever found yourself in an argument like this? He is on the defense as soon as you bring up you need to talk. Voices began to rise. Before you know it you are both screaming and cursing at each other. The topic has changed into something else without the first subject being solved. Discussions like this are mentally and emotionally draining.
Below are key pointers on how to fight the right way:
1. You have to truly listen to what you man is saying. No over talking and no interruptions. It’s hard to talk when someone else won’t let you finish a sentence. It’s frustrating and can lead to a screaming match. Listen, digest what he is saying, think about it, and then respond.
2. Pay attention to your body language. You can say you understand, but if you roll your eyes when you say this; it shows you don’t mean what you say. Smacking your lips, rolling your neck, sitting with arms crossed is showing you are not receiving what he is saying. You are on the defense. Eye contact means you are being honest and you are in tune to what he is saying. Lack of eye contact can seem you are not interested in what he is saying to you. Shouting can show lack of control of your emotions. Turning away from him can demonstrate being closed off. Positive body language can help show him you acknowledge what he is saying and show him you understand.
3. Repeating back what he says shows you are listening to him. “I understand you feel that way because I walk away and go into another room when you talk to me.” You want to show you are fully engaged and understand what he is saying. Make sure when you start a conversation when there are no distractions. It is the right time and place to have a discussion. He is not watching the game, you don’t have company over, or he is about to walk out the door. You want all the focus to be on the conversation at hand.
4. Stay on the subject at hand. Have you ever had an argument where it starts about him leaving the toilet seat up and it ends with you saying you hate his mother? If the issue is about the toilet seat don’t talk about his mother or the fact that she is a bitch. Stay with the toilet. If you bring up different things to dispute about at once, the argument will take a life of its own. It’s easy to let everything out at once but that will just cause him to feel attacked. After a while you will forget how the fight got started in the first place. State the problem, talk about it, and then come up with a solution. Then deal with the next problem.
5. Don’t wait until you are angry to talk about an issue. If you do that, you will be speaking through anger. The last thing you need to do is wait to you get to that point and curse out your man while your trying to discuss the problem. Wait until you are calm and can think clearly. Anger can bring out a side of you where it will be impossible to solve anything.
6. Are you a competitive person? Do you feel like you have to win at everything? Even arguments? Don’t keep arguing because you feel like you need to “win” the argument. Admit when you are wrong and move on.
7. Don’t use the silent treatment. Speak up what is bothering you. Holding it in is unhealthy and can lead to a huge explosion later. Using the silent treatment can cause you to grow further apart. Not speaking to him for weeks is time wasted. You could have come up with a solution to the problem and be enjoying time together instead of walking around the house like you don’t know each other. This tactic never works. What are you accomplishing by keeping your mouth closed? A closed mouth don’t get fed!
8. Try not to involve anyone else in your relationship issues. Don’t call your in laws or friends as back up. It really isn’t anyone business about what goes on unless it directly involves them. The more people in the disagreement the more of a mess things will be.
9. Positive reinforcement goes a long way. If he makes an effort to correct any communication glitches that he does, acknowledge it. Let him know you appreciate him opening up and sharing his feelings. This can lead to disagreements being solved quickly and effectively. So you can get back to the hand holding and kissing! People often talk about what is wrong and taking for granted when things are going right. When things are going good express how great that is.
Once you can communicate effectively your whole relationship can change. Communication is the key to a healthy bond. There is nothing that won’t get in the way if the door is always open to talk about how both of you feel.